32-33 weeks

I love you Sweet Adeline. "I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart." E.E. Cummings

We had our Presbytarian Dallas NICU tour today. I always try to put on a brave face when I go into these tours because I know at any moment I could break down. I didn't make it all the way through the tour without crying today. I think it always surprises the "tour guide" a bit, and then they start to feel sorry for me/us, and that is what I don't want. I think these tours are hard because I am forced to break out of the fantasy/this is not really happening world that I have been living in the couple of weeks between tours. The doctors use phrases and words like "complex congenital heart disease", "stable", "this must be heartbreaking", "very little bonding time", "emotional", "physiology", "pict lines",  "blue baby," etc. and I am reminded that this baby really is coming and we are about to head into something that is going to be really scary and hard. I keep willing this thing not to happen even though I know it is going to.

I will be 33 weeks tomorrow. This means that we will have a baby in 6 weeks or less. We had the perinatologist and OB appointments today also, and they both went really well. Addie is 4 lbs 14 oz right now, and if she keeps gaining as expected she will be about an 8 lb baby, which is really good news. The bigger she is, the bigger the target for the first surgery. Dr. Rinehart said that if I were to deliver now or anytime soon that Addie is over the minimum weight they like to operate on for heart babies. All good reports today.

In other news, the nesting FINALLY kicked in. We are getting Ellie's room ready for both girls and are also getting ready to do some work on our den area so that my mom can stay for the summer.

Ellie was 6 lbs 6 oz when she was born. We can only hope and pray Addie will be bigger!

With Ellie

With Addie

30 Rock

I rocked two 30s this week. I am officially 30 years old today and as of Wednesday, was 30 weeks pregnant. Overall, it has been a great birthday week. My sweet little sister, Cayla, brought some amazing cupcakes to book club on Wednesday as a total surprise. They sang "Happy Birthday," and I blew out a candle. It caught me off guard and made me teary. Also, my mom came in town Wednesday on her spring break to visit and babysit Ellie today because I scheduled our Children's ECHO and tour today. Scott and I ate at Tillman's Roadhouse after a long day at Children's. It was some good food and much needed time to ourselves.

The ECHO went good today. We met with a different cardiologist, Dr. Kane, after the ECHO. Luckily, there haven't been any changes with Addie's heart since our last ECHO a few months ago. They want to see us one last time (at 36 weeks) before I deliver just to make sure there are no surprises. The tour of Children's was hard for both Scott and I. It was good to see where we will be for 4-6 weeks, but was also tough. There were a couple times I was pretty close to tears. It was hard to see those sweet babies in the cribs surrounded by huge machines and not being held. When Addie will be in the cardiac ICU, we won't be able to hold her because of her breathing tube, chest tubes and leads that are attached. This breaks my heart. I am pretty sure I didn't put Ellie down for the first 2 weeks she was home. We will be able to touch Addie and hold her hands, but I don't think this will compare.

We also found out that we will be the first parents that deliver at Presbytarian Dallas to be able to get video of Addie at Children's when I am still in the hospital. I will be "skyping" with Addie for a few hours a day while I am still in the hospital at Presby. This made my day. I was really worried about not being able to see my sweet girl for days if I have to have a C-section. Right now, one is not planned, but you never know.

All in all, it was a good week and good visit at Children's today. The thirties are going to be good!

The Optimist

Throughout this whole deal I have tried to fill the role of the optimist. For every hard stat I tried to find a good one. For every sad story; I search out a happy one. I don't do this just merely to make myself feel better but more so just to lessen the dread that leaks into my thoughts now and then. But even in an optimist's world it rains sometimes. The half-full glass occasionally gets bumped and loses a little.


A pastor/good friend told me early on after we were given Adeline's diagnosis to re-read and remember the Old Testament story about Jacob (Genesis 32:22-32). In the story Jacob wrestles with a man; most consider the man to be God. And Jacob prevails and before letting the man go he asks for a blessing. I have had my share of wrestling with God over the past 4 months and I am sure it will continue. These wrestling matches are the rainy days. My optimism sometimes erodes and fails in these matches. My hips are strong but my positive attitude falters. But I try my best to not let go because I trust that God won't let go of me. In the midst of each match I have to realize there is a better purpose for all this that has not and may never be revealed to me. These matches are needed but never desired.

So on those rainy days I try to remember to wrestle hard and pray that some of that rain gets caught refilling my glass.

28 weeks

I had both my OB and perinatologist appointments this morning. I go back to my OB every 2 weeks now until 36 weeks, and then every week after that. I go back to the perinatologist in 4 weeks, and then every week after that. Woof!!! Too many doctor's appointments for sure!

I don't have much to share from these appointments today, which is a good thing. The perinatologist said that everything still looked good and that many of her parts were "beautiful." I love that he uses that word. We did schedule our tour of the Presbytarian NICU so that we could get used to all the "bells and whistles" up there. Addie will be there only for a short time before she gets transferred to Children's within a few hours of birth, but it will be good to know where she will be for that brief time.

This all still feels like a bad dream, but I know she is getting ready to make her debut in 10 1/2 short weeks. We are still planning on inducing at 39 weeks. Hopefully she stays in that long because they want her as big as possible. Her heart is tiny right now (about the size of an adult pinky fingernail) so the longer she stays in, the bigger her heart gets.

The closer we get, the more nervous I get. I am scared for my sweet girl. We met with our pastor this past week, and after I expressed my fear and said that I didn't feel like anything was helping, he reminded me of some scripture from 1 John 4:16-19.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

So.....I am going to focus on this scripture and keep loving on this baby with all my heart.

Please keep our family in your prayers as we get closer to meeting Sweet Adeline.

Holy cow my hair is long! :)

Sweet Mimi

My sweet Mom, or Mimi as she is known to all her grandkids, sent me this little note in hopes of "guest blogging." Love her and this!

Sweet Adeline! – I love her name … I love her cute profile in her ultrasound pictures … I love her parents … I love her big sister … I love everything about her!  I have a necklace with charms that have each grandchild’s name.  I decided to order Adeline’s charm.  When ordering,  I just typed in her name and clicked  “submit order” – no special instructions.  Hers came with a perfect little heart engraved on the back!

Heart Mom

Wednesdays are a hard day of the week for me. This Wednesday has been no exception. They always start out the same. I get up in the morning to a Babycenter email that tells me how many weeks pregnant I am. 25 weeks today. I used to love reading these emails when I was pregnant with Ellie telling me how big she was getting always compared to a fruit or vegetable. Needless to say, I don't read them anymore. I groan when I see them in my email. It just means we are one week closer to finding out if we get to take our baby girl home from the hospital.

This Wednesday has been especially hard. For those of you who don't know, February is Heart Month. February 7-14 is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week. CHD Awareness Week is a gentle reminder that we will (hopefully) be dealing with Addie's defect for a very long time. February is no longer just for Valentine's Day. I am a Heart Mom now.

I am a Heart Mom!

P.S. The above red "I am a Heart Mom!" is a link. :)

24 weeks

I had my 24 week appointment at both my OB, Dr. Dullye, and my perinatologist, Dr. Rinehart, this past Thursday. Nothing new to report, thank goodness. The biggest thing now is making sure we make it to full term and that Addie gets as big as possible. Dr. Forbess metioned 3 things that determine whether or not a baby is high risk for not surviving the first surgery: birth weight, if the baby is premature, and whether or not the baby has any additional problems. Dr. Rinehart hasn't seen any evidence of anything else being wrong, but we won't know until she gets here. Here's to making it full term! And now, some fun.

24 week comparison pics:

Addie

Ellie