Protection

One of the things that I have come to cherish in being a father is that of the role of protector.  Maybe it is a male chauvinistic trait that I can’t get past, but providing a sense of security is something that is important to me.  I like being able to protect Ellie from things in the world from the smallest spider to hitting her head on the corner of the coffee table.  To have her cling to me when the thunder rolls makes me feel better as a father.  For Adeline, one of the hardest things to come to grips with is the sense that I may not be that to her.  She will need more than I can give her.  She needs so much protection and I may not be able to provide it.  Because of this feeling I sometimes dread her delivery for the simple fact that her greatest protection will be removed.  Her greatest Earthly protection right now is that provided by the womb.  Camille got some really good sonogram pictures on last week that showed Adeline’s face.  It was wonderful to see her precious face, but it hit me again, as it does every time we go to the doctor or I dwell on the coming day, she is safe where she is.  She is happy.  She has no problems.  Heart defects don’t matter there.  She is protected.  No surgeries.   No scars.  No hospitals.  No ICU’s.  Once she gets here it changes.  It all changes.

And here is where I need to “lean not on my own understanding” and to continue to drive out the fear of her arrival.  Even if I cannot protect her as I would like, I have to realize she will be protected.  She will be safe. 

“I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

I guess my greatest shelter for Adeline will be to remember this for myself and to teach her to remember it too.

Maternity Pictures

Thank you, Britt, for the wonderful maternity pictures!

I couldn't help but put this picture in here. I love these two so much!

36 weeks

It is hard to believe I will be 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow. So many parts of this pregnancy have crept by, but I feel like this 3rd trimester has really flown by! We are fast approaching my due date, which is May 23. The plan is still to induce between weeks 39-40 if I don't go into labor before that. We haven't scheduled the actual induction date yet, and will get to do that at the 38 week mark.  

I had my OB and perinatologist appointments yesterday and they both went really well. Addie is still growing and "tolerating her heart condition." She is measuring 5 lbs 14 oz right now, which is kind of funny to me since Ellie was only 6 lbs 6 oz when she was born. I got to see a pretty good profile picture of Addie yesterday, and she looks pretty precious. We have our last ECHO at Children's Friday, and then we will see them again once Addie is over there for her extended stay.

As far as being prepared at home goes, I think we have done all we can for now. The real stuff starts when we bring her home.

Please keep Scott, Ellie, Addie and I in your prayers in the coming weeks. Specifically pray for a safe delivery, transport of Addie over to Children's, and for a speedy recovery for me so I can be at Children's with Addie as quickly as possible. Thank you all for your continued thoughts, prayers, kind notes, and warm comments.

32-33 weeks

I love you Sweet Adeline. "I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart." E.E. Cummings

We had our Presbytarian Dallas NICU tour today. I always try to put on a brave face when I go into these tours because I know at any moment I could break down. I didn't make it all the way through the tour without crying today. I think it always surprises the "tour guide" a bit, and then they start to feel sorry for me/us, and that is what I don't want. I think these tours are hard because I am forced to break out of the fantasy/this is not really happening world that I have been living in the couple of weeks between tours. The doctors use phrases and words like "complex congenital heart disease", "stable", "this must be heartbreaking", "very little bonding time", "emotional", "physiology", "pict lines",  "blue baby," etc. and I am reminded that this baby really is coming and we are about to head into something that is going to be really scary and hard. I keep willing this thing not to happen even though I know it is going to.

I will be 33 weeks tomorrow. This means that we will have a baby in 6 weeks or less. We had the perinatologist and OB appointments today also, and they both went really well. Addie is 4 lbs 14 oz right now, and if she keeps gaining as expected she will be about an 8 lb baby, which is really good news. The bigger she is, the bigger the target for the first surgery. Dr. Rinehart said that if I were to deliver now or anytime soon that Addie is over the minimum weight they like to operate on for heart babies. All good reports today.

In other news, the nesting FINALLY kicked in. We are getting Ellie's room ready for both girls and are also getting ready to do some work on our den area so that my mom can stay for the summer.

Ellie was 6 lbs 6 oz when she was born. We can only hope and pray Addie will be bigger!

With Ellie

With Addie