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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Past/Present/Future

Here it is almost two years to the day that Adeline was born.  So much good has happened since that day that it is impossible to catalog.  I have to admit though that when it comes to her birthday I do still have memories of many tears shed and many, so many unanswered questions and fears.  Maybe those will fade.  Maybe they won't.  Maybe it is just part of the story or maybe it shouldn't be.  Obviously I just don't know the answers to these questions.  But something that keeps coming back to me is that unanswered questions must not always equal fear.  And that's what I have to keep remembering about our sweet Adeline.  Her past was so full of unanswered questions.  All of which led to fear.  Thankfully her present, though still peppered with unanswered questions brings about less fear.

The next thing to conquer is her future.  The questions abound as to what lies ahead for her.  Admittedly this is the same with our other daughter and any child I would imagine.  I wonder what her next couple of decades will be like.  I usually stop myself though when I am about to speak of Addie as an adult or even a high school student.  It is not at all that I don't believe she will be but the unanswered questions linger. Positive stories of Addie-like kids in their 20's are balanced against kids that need transplants before age 8.  In my mind I make light of thinking about Addie's future like the old baseball tradition of the team not talking about a no-hitter while it is in progress for fear of jinxing it.  I feel like Addie's progress through all of this these two years has been the early innings of that no-hitter.  Hush.  You can think about it all you want, but just don't talk about it. But it is Addie's unanswered future that keeps me from talking about it most times.  What she is going to do next week or next month, even in the next year or so, those are fine.  For some reason they don't really count.  It is the times when I think about junior high or high school.  Those are the times when I don't want to audibly speak about what might happen.  So I will sit here and just rejoice in the fact that she has done so well.  The unanswered questions, well they will always be there.  I try to leave the unanswered, simply as that, unanswered and not let them blossom into anything resembling fear.

I read a portion of a devotional last week written by Frederick Buechner that really stuck with me.  It said, "we cannot live our lives constantly looking back, listening back, lest we be turned to pillars of longing and regret, but to live without listening at all is to live deaf to the fullness of the music."  This spoke to me because I hope it describes how I am listening to all that life is telling me through Addie.  I try to focus not on the past, listening too much to it that I am frozen in place, but to listen just enough to fill me with some wisdom on how to carry out the present and a guide towards a better future.

So May 16, 2014 is not only a wonderful time for me to look back and remember but it is an opportunity to for me to take in the present fully and celebrate Adeline to the fullest.  But let's just not talk about it.  

Friday, May 9, 2014

Mother's Day 2014

It is crazy to think two years ago I was a week away from giving birth to my most precious Adeline. Her birthday brings up so many emotions for me. Remembering everything that was going on weeks and months before she was born is sometimes hard.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how hard it is to understand what someone else is going through. You can't. Even if you've been through something similar, there is no way you can understand the depth of pain, happiness, etc. another person is going through.

There was a point early in my pregnancy, around 20 weeks, after we found out how severe Addie's defect was where I would wake up every day and just wanted to end the pregnancy. I wanted it to be over. All of it. I didn't want any part of dealing with it anymore. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help thinking how much easier it would be to take this route.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought something like that would cross my mind. But it did. I shared with Scott everyday during that time in the midst of tears about how I just wanted it to be over. I was emotionally broken. I was tired and sad.

We met with our pastor at one point early on and I told him that I understood now why people make the decisions they do regarding pregnancies. I am not condoning this behavior, just saying that I get it. I still think that it is morally wrong, but I will never judge someone based on this decision. Our job is to love not hate.

Of course, I have no regrets. Addie made me the proud mom of two precious girls. She is a bright shining light every single day. Addie is special. She is "spunky in just the right ways,"  a friend recently told me, and funny and hard not to love. She has never met a stranger and I love that about her. She is paving her way in this world with her great big smile and infectious personality. Our journey with her has made me a much better person in so many ways.

Mother's Day means so much more to me now. It is always so close to both my girls' birthdays and brings up emotions I have almost forgotten about. Being a mama is hard work. Sometimes we have to make really hard decisions. Love is hard sometimes.


Happy Mother's Day to all you mama's out there. A friend shared this trailer with me and I loved it. Please watch and know that you are so much braver than you know. Surprised By Motherhood trailer.