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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Past/Present/Future

Here it is almost two years to the day that Adeline was born.  So much good has happened since that day that it is impossible to catalog.  I have to admit though that when it comes to her birthday I do still have memories of many tears shed and many, so many unanswered questions and fears.  Maybe those will fade.  Maybe they won't.  Maybe it is just part of the story or maybe it shouldn't be.  Obviously I just don't know the answers to these questions.  But something that keeps coming back to me is that unanswered questions must not always equal fear.  And that's what I have to keep remembering about our sweet Adeline.  Her past was so full of unanswered questions.  All of which led to fear.  Thankfully her present, though still peppered with unanswered questions brings about less fear.

The next thing to conquer is her future.  The questions abound as to what lies ahead for her.  Admittedly this is the same with our other daughter and any child I would imagine.  I wonder what her next couple of decades will be like.  I usually stop myself though when I am about to speak of Addie as an adult or even a high school student.  It is not at all that I don't believe she will be but the unanswered questions linger. Positive stories of Addie-like kids in their 20's are balanced against kids that need transplants before age 8.  In my mind I make light of thinking about Addie's future like the old baseball tradition of the team not talking about a no-hitter while it is in progress for fear of jinxing it.  I feel like Addie's progress through all of this these two years has been the early innings of that no-hitter.  Hush.  You can think about it all you want, but just don't talk about it. But it is Addie's unanswered future that keeps me from talking about it most times.  What she is going to do next week or next month, even in the next year or so, those are fine.  For some reason they don't really count.  It is the times when I think about junior high or high school.  Those are the times when I don't want to audibly speak about what might happen.  So I will sit here and just rejoice in the fact that she has done so well.  The unanswered questions, well they will always be there.  I try to leave the unanswered, simply as that, unanswered and not let them blossom into anything resembling fear.

I read a portion of a devotional last week written by Frederick Buechner that really stuck with me.  It said, "we cannot live our lives constantly looking back, listening back, lest we be turned to pillars of longing and regret, but to live without listening at all is to live deaf to the fullness of the music."  This spoke to me because I hope it describes how I am listening to all that life is telling me through Addie.  I try to focus not on the past, listening too much to it that I am frozen in place, but to listen just enough to fill me with some wisdom on how to carry out the present and a guide towards a better future.

So May 16, 2014 is not only a wonderful time for me to look back and remember but it is an opportunity to for me to take in the present fully and celebrate Adeline to the fullest.  But let's just not talk about it.  

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