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Thursday, January 26, 2012

At a Why In The Road

At the crossroads of my faith/beliefs and the real world is an intersection I simply call "Why." Up until this time in my life, I just assumed that my faith and the real world were just two lanes on the same road heading in the same direction. A turn signal, a check of my blind spot and over I would move freely between the two. Yesterday, I was met with the harsh reality that these are not two lanes of the same road. They aren't even two parallel roads. They intersect. But you see at this intersection there are no yield signs. No stop signs. No traffic lights. My faith doesn't stop to let the real world pass by without incident. The real world doesn't yield to the right to allow my beliefs to navigate safely. Yesterday a collision occurred at this intersection and it was violent. In the debris of the collision lie the biggest and hardest questions I hope I will ever face and the constant in them all is "why." It was inevitable that I question God on this whole mess. I mean who wouldn't? If you wouldn't then you are either naive as to whole picture or have faith exceeding those of any person I know. But really where is God in this? Why has he forsaken us? Has he? It sure feels like it.

People talk about raw emotion. My emotions, when I think about all that Adeline will have to endure are more than raw. Even just the crap we know about, the emotions go way past raw, they are sickening, literally. They tear me up. They make me ill. To see my wife, who is the most important human being to me on Earth, suffer so much kills me. Why does an innocent child of God have to go through this? How does God, a presumably loving God, set up a long, hard road of, what appears to my eyes to be, physical torture? How is that possible? Why is it even possible?

My brother reminded me that even Jesus wanted an easier way to be our Savior. May this cup pass from me. So even Jesus doubted God. And he prayed THREE times to have the burden removed. Even He wished for an easier route. How much more do I wish and pray for an easier route? I am no Jesus. I don't have that strength. Not even close to it. If at the end He asked why have You forsaken me how much harder do I ask and plead the same. I know Jesus followed up his prayers to the Father by saying, "Yet not what I will, but what you will." That's the problem. I can't get to that next part. That's where I trip up. Where the injuries from the collision seem debilitating.

"Eli Eli lema sabachthani?"

About a week ago I wrote that. I wish I could say that in the interim I had a vision or obtained an inner peace that answered my whys. Something that assured me that everything would be ok. That God revealed just enough of his plan in all of this to ease my worries. To be honest none of that happened or at least it didn't feel like it did. But what I did do is continue to pray. Continue to learn about God. Continue to look for answers, sometimes by asking even more and harder questions. And I continued to listen. To listen intently to those around me. To those that have pain and needs of their own. I had a friend going through a tough time of his own with a sick child who is in the hospital text me asking for some Bible verses of hope. What a honor to be asked such a thing. To grab a Bible and scour for passages to lend aid in tough times. I have too often lately been reading these for myself. It was nice to send them out to someone else who needed them worse than me at the time. Maybe that was what the last few days of struggle were for. Maybe that is the stretch of road I was meant to travel these last few days. I know we have a long road ahead with many whys in it. But at least this part has been traveled and I am better for it.

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